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This category contains 17 posts

J.R. Smith Overcomes Epic Hangover, Snags 50 Phone Numbers At Roofdeck Party

In a performance reminiscent of Michael Jordan’s famous “flu game,” when he scored 50 points in Game 5 of the 1997 NBA Finals while battling a 102-degree fever, J.R. Smith managed to get the numbers of 50 attractive women at a roofdeck party despite a crushing hangover from the previous night. “I don’t come back to New York that … Continue reading

Small Market Teams Dominate As NBA Goes Straight Down The Fucking Tube

After losing Chicago, Los Angeles, and New York in the 2013 playoffs — the National Basketball Association has closed it doors citing lack of revenue. “It pains me to say this but professional basketball is broke,” commissioner David Stern sobbed at a press conference. The 2013 postseason now consists of Indiana, Memphis, Miami, San Antonio, … Continue reading

Charles Ramsey Finds Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Jamario Moon, Daniel Gibson In Basement Of Quicken Loans Arena

Cleveland, OH – In a stunning turn of events, local hero Charles Ramsey has uncovered three players from the 2009-2010 season living in the basement of Quicken Loans Arena. “When he told me Zydrunas Ilgauskas, it didn’t register,” he told reporters outside his home. “Until I got to calling 911, and then I’m like, I’m … Continue reading

Future Archeologists Uncover Lost Civilization Of San Antonio

Texas, 2560 A.D. – Future archeologists have uncovered the previously unknown rich winning tradition of an ancient basketball civilization called “San Antonio Spurs.” “We had no idea they won this many times,” expedition leader Zander Argerroth told Dick Buttkiss Sports. “It would appear that no one recorded the bounty of NBA Championships achieved by this amazing franchise.” Continue reading

Knicks Wear Wedding Dresses To Game 6

The New York Knicks have all decided to wear wedding dresses before their big Game 6 showdown in Boston tonight. On Wednesday, The Knicks stirred Major controversy when they decided as a team to dress in “Funeral Black” as an homage to what they expected would be a Game 5 victory and death to the … Continue reading

Dear God, what have you done: J.R. Smith’s Reckless Behavior Destroys Earth

“Dear god, what have I done? I was just having some fun, how did it get to this point?” a confused, soot covered J.R. Smith said into the void that used to be civilization. “Hello?!” he shouted into the air. “Please, someone! This can’t be happening!” Smith, whose recent erratic behavior cost the Knicks game … Continue reading

Jason Terry Caught Taxiing On Tarmac: “Vrooom vrooom Imma plane! Im free!”

If you were expecting your flight to be on time this morning, you probably didn’t expect a huge hold up because former NBA Sixth-Man-Of-The-Year, Jason Terry, was running around the tarmac making engine noises. “All inbound and outbound flights from LaGuardia International Airport have been grounded or rerouted,” an FAA statement read. “Please stay tuned … Continue reading

Kevin Garnett Op-Ed: Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Why can’t we all just get along? by Kevin Garnett (PF Boston Celtics) Peace. Paz. Pace. Our children deserve a world that can empathize. A world that can feel. Humanity should be humane, if not for us, then for the simple truth that it is our telos. Please, for the love of all things holy, … Continue reading

ESPN’s Chris Broussard: If you don’t call me a bigot, I won’t call you a f*ggot, deal?

“I’m a Christian. I don’t agree with homosexuality. I think it’s a sin, as I think all sex outside of marriage between a man and a woman is…. If you’re openly living in unrepentant sin, whatever it may be … that’s walking in open rebellion to God and to Jesus Christ.” Citing an arbitrary, non-scientific … Continue reading

NBA Playoffs Injury Update: 4/29/13

Russell Westbrook: Erectile Dysfunction (cock scan NEGATIVE) David Lee: Torn Hipster-Flexor (out whenever-some other time) J.R. Smith: Cracked Riblett (day to day) Steve Nash: Athlete’s Face (4-6 days) Joakim Noah: Split Ends (limited in practice) Jeremy Lin: Chess Contusion (probable) Dwayne Wade: Acne (will be ready for 2nd round) Tom Thibideau: Derrick Rosacea (expected to … Continue reading