This category contains 47 posts

J.R. Smith Overcomes Epic Hangover, Snags 50 Phone Numbers At Roofdeck Party

In a performance reminiscent of Michael Jordan’s famous “flu game,” when he scored 50 points in Game 5 of the 1997 NBA Finals while battling a 102-degree fever, J.R. Smith managed to get the numbers of 50 attractive women at a roofdeck party despite a crushing hangover from the previous night. “I don’t come back to New York that … Continue reading

World’s Most Exclusive Golf Club Makes History

After decades of inclusive practices that cut off the club from the outside world, Brad Nelson Country Club has finally opened it’s doors to someone not named Brad Nelson. “Times change,” club president Brad Nelson told Sports Illustrated. “We came to the conclusion that allowing other people, of different sur and given names to play our wonderful, challenging course.” Continue reading

Time Tebow Returns From 5027 To Stop 2013 NFL Draft From Ever Happening

April 27th, 2013 AD — Inter-dimensional vigilante Chrono-Cop, Time Tebow, traveled back from the year 5027 to prevent the 2013 NFL Draft from ever happening, this Saturday. “They thought they could replace me with another subpar mobile quarterback?” Time Tebow said, referencing second round pick Geno Smith. “Well think again. Again!,” he continued, amidst a … Continue reading

Top 10 Ways To Euthanize Your Pathetic Loser Racehorse

Did your racehorse not win the Kentucky Derby? How about Belmont? Not looking forward to trotting out the 2-year-old to the Preakness? Angry? Spiteful? We hear you. Here are the Top 10 Ways To Euthanize That Pathetic Loser Racehorse that’s been embarassing your horseracing empire all Spring… 10) Horse-Murder How to do it: Simply invite … Continue reading

“Sports” Wins Best Distraction Of The Year

Upsetting “Masturbation”, “Drugs”, and “Overeating” for the 2nd year in a row, “Sports” has been crowned the best distraction from our actual problems for 2013. Citing it’s near constant presence on nearly all media outlets, metaphorical value for talking about the problems with our relationships, and the fact that it’s totally acceptable to talk about … Continue reading

This Day In History: Bear Bryant And Lane Kiffin Start First “Lane Bryant”

Nearly 20 years ago today, Hall of Fame Alabama coach Bear Bryant and USC’s Lane Kiffin opened their first (of many) plus-sized women’s clothing stores, Lane Bryant. “It was high time someone got real about REAL women,” the all-time winningest college coach said at the store’s grand opening. He added, “So with the help of … Continue reading

Top 10 Best Nicknames In Sports History (And How They Got Them)

Sometimes a birth name doesn’t do a player justice. Take David Justice, for example. His name could never encapsulate the mystique of his World Series heroics/penchant for domestic violence. Nicknames give players their identity. They add to their larger than life legacies. They tell part of the story that their numbers can’t. Here are the … Continue reading

Barry Melrose Gets Caught With Hand In Cookie Jar, If You Know What I Mean…

ESPN NHL analyst and musk connoisseur Barry Melrose was caught the other day with his hand in the cookie jar, if you know what I mean… The former Toronto Maple Leaf-turned-head-coach reportedly snuck away from the set for a few minutes, prompting producers to put out a code red on the ESPN Bristol campus. Blue means Peter … Continue reading

Top Al Queda Members Awkwardly Explode After Getting On CIA’s Drone Kiss Cam

Waziristan — Smile, you’re on the Kiss Cam! These goofballs, targeted because of their wonton disregard for human life, we’re hung out to dry when the CIA went ahead and threw them up on the Department of Defense Titantron. As you would expect, they didn’t deal with it well once they realized that they were … Continue reading

The 8 Rejected MLS Expansion Franchises

With the news that Manchester City owner Sheik Mansour bin Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan of Abu Dhabi and the New York Yankees will start a new MLS Club called New York City FC, we’ve compiled a list of the eight proposed team names and locations that didn’t quite make the cut. 8) Sporting A.I.D.S. … Continue reading