April 27th, 2013 AD — Inter-dimensional vigilante Chrono-Cop, Time Tebow, traveled back from the year 5027 to prevent the 2013 NFL Draft from ever happening, this Saturday. “They thought they could replace me with another subpar mobile quarterback?” Time Tebow said, referencing second round pick Geno Smith. “Well think again. Again!,” he continued, amidst a yellow glow eminating from his capsule.
Known for travelling through time to prevent various fictional catastrophes documented in the Bible, the once benevolent lawman of the future broke off from the Time Police after inadvertently preventing Christianity from ever happening by saving Jesus in the year 0.
Delivering one of his signature foreboding time-related puns from the edge of a skyscraper, Time Tebow yelled to the city: “Jets GM John Idzik, you’re on the clock.” He then made a series of slow, sarcastic “tick-tock” noises.
With the 39th pick, The Jets selected West Virginia QB Geno Smith, prompting the release of the failed sixth-string experiment. Projected by both Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay to go much earlier in the draft, Smith has consequently fired his agent for failing to move him by the second round.
However, sources indicate Smith’s later-than-expected drawing was due not to shoddy-promotion, but to a massive fire fight outside Radio City Music Hall between the NYPD/National Guard and the infamous rogue Chrono-Cop, Time Tebow. “Looks like it’s 3:16,” Time Tebow proclaimed, holding a Bible in one hand and an oddly large wild-west-style six-shooter in the other. “John’s gotta walk through the valley.”
He then jumped onto the hood of an NYPD cruiser, shot directly below him causing the cruiser to explode, which sent Time Tebow hurling through air above the crowd of law enforement/tanks who watched in awe — ultimately landing on the hood of another cruiser, and doing the same thing. Over and over. “He ruined, like, 6 or 7 cars doing that,” NYPD Lt. Vincent Cuzzi told Dick Buttkiss Sports. “Not sure why we’d stop shooting when he’d pause to say something cool, like “here’s yer two-minute warning” or “time’s expired” or whatever.”
The destruction was both catastrophic and captivating at the same time, much like Tim Tebow’s tenure in New York.
Causing a complete shutdown/quarentine of midtown Manhattan, the standoff with Time Tebow lasted a full hour. At which point an Apache attack helicopter, piloted by controversial billionaire/blimpdweller Maximillion Spaeth, rose directly behind the unsuspecting time vigilante as he surveyed the carnage. “It looked like we had him dead in his tracks,” one of Spaeth’s henchmen remarked. “Then he just disappeared down a manhole, and next thing I knew he was in the cockpit choking me.”
Time Tebow ultimately escaped, downing the chopper, only to enter a loading area of the event through a process known as tele-mancing. Upon materialization, the futuristic Christian began frantically running through the backstage crowd, consisting of college prospects, their agents, African-American mothers, and for some reason, showgirls. “Idzik!” he shouted over the crowd, looking for his target. Directed to the makeshift office area by a pimple-face usher, Time Tebow entered The Jets backstage suite, brandishing his trademark Time Warp Gun.
While slowly raising the forearm-mounted chrono-cannon, determined to send the General Manager into some sort of timespace purgatory, he stoically remarked, “I’m the future of this franchise.” The noise of the device powering up crescendoed to a high frequency tone and a series of proximate beeps. “Time to pull you out of the game, Idzik.”
Then, in a unfamiliar turn of fortune for the ill-fated club, Rex Ryan opened the door to the suite, knocking Time Tebow off balance, sending him falling toward “the beverage area”, into a semi-frozen tub of Dr. Pepper Ten.
“Fuck me, you know how hard it is to get 16 buckets of original recipe at this time of night?” a sweat soak Ryan exclaimed as he entered the room, carrying exactly that.
The interaction between the bold flavors of the Dr. Pepper Ten and the circuitry of the time cannon sending the device into a frenzy, resulting in a cross-dimensional warp reversal event, which sent the good-looking renegade deep into the recesses of the Outterverse.
“He’s not the answer eitherrrrrrrr!,” Time Tebow screamed as he swirled down the purplish vortex. The Jets front office, puzzled by both the event and the fact that Rex Ryan had thought it necessary to purchase 70lbs of KFC for five adults, later selected Geno Smith. Let’s see if he gets any playing time.