Did your racehorse not win the Kentucky Derby? How about Belmont? Not looking forward to trotting out the 2-year-old to the Preakness? Angry? Spiteful? We hear you. Here are the Top 10 Ways To Euthanize That Pathetic Loser Racehorse that’s been embarassing your horseracing empire all Spring…
How to do it: Simply invite your horse to a secluded rendevous at your beach home, under the pretense that you’ll be having a horse-party with lots of attractive single horse-ladies. Tell him to bring his horse-bathingsuit. Really sell it. Then, get him really drunk and push him off your boat and drive away. Worked for Natalie Wood, should work for your horse.
9) Faulty Parachute
How to do it: Take your horse skydiving, and bring a backpack with you. Just any old backpack will do, just make sure it doesn’t shoot out a huge bag that will slow the horse-decent as it falls to earth. Then, when your horse isn’t looking, switch his chute with the ringer backpack. He won’t know — horses cannot see their backs. Then when he goes to pull the cord…you get the point. Horse-splat!
8) Hit him in the head
How to do it: Hit your horse in the head 3-1,000 times with something. Then, when he’s out cold, put the hammer (or whatever you used, but I suggest hammer) in his horse hand. Then decorate his stall with weird pots and wind chimes and put a suggestive photograph of Troy Aikman under his butt. The cops will call it self inflicted wounds and the paper will say “Gay Horse Hammers Brains Out In Apparent Horse-Suicide”. Send flowers to his stall and move on.
7) The Killer Pizza Trick
How to do it: Fill a pizza box with Africanized killer bees, then dress up like a delivery guy and drop it off at his stall. He’ll open it up thinking, “Oh boy, a pizza!” but it’s bees. And they’re mad.
6) Put him inside an old box
How to do it: Order a large, used horse-box. Ask him to go inside because you want to see if it fits for one of your other horses. Make some small talk about how you can’t stand Itsmyluckyday or something. Then, when he goes in, close the box. Done. Easy. Just leave it there for a week.
5) Dynamite Enema Overdose
How to do it: Have you ever seen how big a horse-hole is? TREMENDOUS. Get yourself a hundred and fifty six sticks of nitroglycerin-based dynamite, and tell him it’s medicine. Because you just got his test results back and he has horse-AIDS or horse-disease. Then insert each one very fast, lighting only the last one (they will NOT stay lit in his hole). You’ll have 25 seconds to run at least 200 feet away, and horse-kaboom! Done-zo.
How to do it: Get your horse involved with organized Japanese horse criminals. He’ll fit in at first, because he’s a piece of shit horse, but soon, as always, he’ll offend someone or botch a job. Not sure what they do, but you won’t hear from him ever again. I’ve done this sixteen times. Very effective.
3) Unicorn Explosion
How to do it: This only works around Halloween time, but if you know of a lot of costume parties, you can use that, too. Tell him you’ve got a plus one for some thing where he’s gotta dress up. Say you’ve looked everywhere, but you can’t find any good horse-sized costumes, because he’s so muscular (once again, stroke his ego, that’ll help you sell the pitch). Offer up the idea that, hey, why not go as a Unicorn. He’ll undoubtedly argue that he always goes at a Unicorn, why can’t he go as a doctor or something, so be prepared to explain how much horse-pussy he’ll get if he goes along with your plan. The trick is, instead of using a life-like prosthetic horn, just give him a stick of lavender-scented dynamite (and paint it lavender, too). Then, when you go to light his cigarette at the party, light the dynamite, and his head will explode. This one is good.
2) Grounded Amp
How to do it: Ok, this one is tricky because you have to get your horse in a garage band. The grungier the better because they use old-fashioned tube amps and that’s what we’re banking on here. Also, he must play lead, not rhythm, guitar. Here’s why: the lead guitarist is always fiddling with the amps because he’s got the most riding on the sound of his ax. When your horse starts fucking with the gain and shit, ask him to adjust the filter caps, then throw a Heineken on him. Zap! No more shitty racehorse.
1) Auto-errotic horse-asphxiation
How to do it: Tell him about how amazing it feels to whack it with a belt around your neck. Before he goes back to his stall, ask him if he can look after some of your old horse-pornography. Plug your ears.