Upsetting “Masturbation”, “Drugs”, and “Overeating” for the 2nd year in a row, “Sports” has been crowned the best distraction from our actual problems for 2013. Citing it’s near constant presence on nearly all media outlets, metaphorical value for talking about the problems with our relationships, and the fact that it’s totally acceptable to talk about with our bosses during awkward “social” moments, “Sports” walked away with the award rather handedly.
“First I’d like to thank our parents,” Jason Kidd said while accepting the award on behalf of fans, players, owners, airport bartenders, and angry men spanning the globe. “Without them, there’d be no problems for us to need to be distracted from in the first place,” he continued. “Our shitty childhoods make sports possible, so a big thank you goes out to Mom and Dad.”
Despite being pretty goddamn stupid if you think about it, “Sports” has become an excellent alternative to post dinner conversations, post-coital intimacy, and “reading”. “Me and the kids usually eat around 6:45, then it’s homework time for them, and the Yankees game for me,” Dads around the universe told Dick Buttkiss Sports. “I don’t know what’d I’d do if I had to help those little fucker with that math shit.”
Historically handicapped by the time of a single game, which typically last around 2-3 hours, sportsy-shit has grown exponentially due in large part to the advent of the internet and 24-hour news cycle. At any given moment there is an “inspiring” sports movie in theaters, 1,000 articles about a player with barely a high school education misspeaking, and 10,000 video clips of a squirrel getting loose on a baseball field, there to distract us from our crippling dissatisfaction with our lives at a moment’s notice.
“No matter what happens, ESPN or the newspaper or anyone really, can make some stupid competition between 21-year-olds seem more important than the fact that the government is has been spying on us every moment since 2001,” an ostrasized man dubbed “gay Kevin” said to his female friend, Sharon. “Over a million kids in this country are literally starving to death and all any one wants to talk about is how they want LeBron James to fail,” he continued, citing the odd obsession every single American man has with the schadenfreude of the basketball phenom. “It’s like, ok, I’m “gay” because I don’t cry when I can’t live stream locker room interviews with naked male athletes?” the heterosexual fan of literature said.
The award, which has been dominated over the years by “Religion” and “Killing Other People”, is the 5th for “Sports” in this category.