Waziristan — Smile, you’re on the Kiss Cam! These goofballs, targeted because of their wonton disregard for human life, we’re hung out to dry when the CIA went ahead and threw them up on the Department of Defense Titantron.
As you would expect, they didn’t deal with it well once they realized that they were on the screen. “You shoulda seen the look on their faces when they realized a couple guys were being spoofed on the kiss cam,” CIA director John Brennan said at a briefing. “It’s like, kiss, don’t kiss — just so awkward we loved it,” he added.
The guys, who have been identified as Abu Yahya al-Libi, Khalid al-Habib, Adnan el Shukrijumah, and a couple of their buds, got a huge laugh from central command. “Ron kept saying dude they’re gonna kiss and I was like, na, bro, no way,” a clandestine operative told Dick Buttkiss Sports. “One of them was all nervous-looking, like, if he should do it — cause he’s prolly gay ya know?”
After circling the 500 square mile area for over 12 hours, the “kiss drone” spotted the targets around 0800 exiting a small barn. Known for their insatiable desire to destroy Western civilization at all costs, the top leaders were identified using cutting edge heat signature-facial triangulation technology, then decorated with a heart border while Frank Sinatra’s “Love and Marriage” played over the Pentagon PA system.
“It would have been hilarious if one of them pretended to jerk the other one off or whatever,” a top secret field agent said. “Or do that thing where you put your hand over the other dudes mouth and pretend to make out,” he continued.
“Ya know, before they exploded.”