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The 8 Rejected MLS Expansion Franchises


With the news that Manchester City owner Sheik Mansour bin Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan of Abu Dhabi and the New York Yankees will start a new MLS Club called New York City FC, we’ve compiled a list of the eight proposed team names and locations that didn’t quite make the cut.

8) Sporting A.I.D.S.
Owners: Publicly owned

Where: Of all places, Kissimee, FL

Why it wasn’t picked: The acronym for “Athletic International Deportes Squad” was catchy, in the really bad way

7) X-Men United
Owners: John Favreau, Sir Neil Patrick Stewart

Where: Secret Bucolic Military Academy

Why it wasn’t picked: Sentinels countinually interrupted play, destroyed stadium

6) Tyler Perry’s The Browns FC
Owners: Tyler Perry, God

Where: North Carolina-ish

Why it wasn’t picked: It was, and it’s incredibly popular, you just haven’t seen it

5) The Tampa Bay Fuckineers

Owners: Warren Sapp, Bobcat Goldwaith

Where: St. Petersburg, FL

Why it wasn’t picked: All ready the name of sixteen indie bands

4) The Guys Who Weren’t Good Enough At Other, Legitimate Men’s Sports, So They Went With Soccer Because They Vacationed In Europe Growing Up And Are Named Tyler Or Something-United
Owners: “Landon” Donovan, “Alexi” Lalas

Where: Lilith Fair Festival

Why it wasn’t picked: Too busy writing in it’s diary about today’s practice

3) MILF Dakota
Owners: The 8th grade at Shady Springs Middle School, Artist formerly known as “Richard”

Where: Angelica Houston, TX

Why it wasn’t picked: Kept getting gross stares from the Columbus Crew

2) The Winnipeg Miscarriage No One Mentions
Owners: Erin annnnnd her sister, can you belive it?!?!

Where: Prom

Why it wasn’t picked: Not ready yet

DYK? Gwyenth showed her weird tits at the Oscars once!

DYK? Gwyenth showed her weird tits at the Oscars once!

1) Zenith Paltrow
Owner: Nature

Where: Nature

Why it wasn’t picked: Wicker


About Jake O'Donnell

Creator of the sports comedy Dick Buttkiss blog https://jakeodonnel.wordpress.com/


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