New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez has been arrested in connection with an illegal underground penis fighting circuit, accused of abusing hundreds of penises. Located behind a derelict grocery store in Miami’s Carol City neighborhood, the ring, where two men smack their penises together in battle, was shutdown after federal agents stormed the location and made arrests.
Despite being part of machismo Latin culture, penis fighting is illegal in all Fifty States. “It’s not only gruesome and inhumane but unsanitary and as stupid as it sounds,” U.S. Marshall John Sullivan told reporters. The sport, which is thought to have originated in Spain dating back to the 3rd century, involves two entrants, both with exposed penises, who smack eachother’s penis with their own penis.
“It’s loud and painful,” Sullivan said. “But it’s illegal because of the inextricable gambling element,” he added, citing the sport’s tradition of spectators placing wagers on which penis they think will win. “It’s not hard to imagine how this could get ugly, fast.”
Contestants will often be groomed by wealthier penis fighting kingpins, and entered into winner-takes-all style matches against other, weaker street-penises. “They’d train you against some feeble penis that didn’t stand a chance,” a former-penis-fighter-turned-FBI-informant told Dick Buttkiss Sports. “Most of the time it’d end terribly for the poor penis,” he continued, referring to the brutality of the sport. “I’m not proud of this, but I’ve knocked someone else’s penis clear off with my penis.”
Rodriguez, who has been rehabbing from a nagging hip injury sustained during a penis fight, is accused of willingly participating in matches and gambling on his own penis. “Alex could easily afford what they call in the business “un dingador”, which is some one else’s penis that acts as your own in the ring,” Sullivan said. “Kind of like in Avatar but instead of an alien just some schmuck off the street with no clue what he’s doing in there.”
Instead, the Attorney General’s office alleges, he’s chosen to enter these matches and viciously thrash his own penis about, in the hopes it will touch another man’s penis, and break it. The third baseman is thought to have wagered upwards of $900 on his own penis over the course of his involvement with the underground organization.
To make matters worse, combatants are often given performance enhancing drugs to give their penis an advantage in the ring. Rodriguez, who has been linked to PED usage before, purportedly injects military grade Enzyte™ and Horse Viagra™ directly into his scrotum before setting foot in what is called “El Circulo de los Peñas Rojos,” which translates to Circle of The Red Penises.
Should he be convicted, A-Rod will face a penalty of up to $30,000 and be forced to participate in anti-penis fighting efforts. “It’s prevelant in the inner city and guys like Alex must step forward and explain why not to do it,” the head D.O.N.T. S.M.A.C.K. (a leader in anti-penis fighting movement) said in a statement. “Show kids how much it hurts, how you can get your penis smacked clear off,” it read. “They’ll listen Alex’s penis.”
Today the first place Yankees face Mark Buerhle and the disappointing Toronto Blue Jays.