After losing Chicago, Los Angeles, and New York in the 2013 playoffs — the National Basketball Association has closed it doors citing lack of revenue. “It pains me to say this but professional basketball is broke,” commissioner David Stern sobbed at a press conference. The 2013 postseason now consists of Indiana, Memphis, Miami, San Antonio, Oklahoma City, and Sioux Falls, South Dakota — whose combined populations are roughly that of Queens.
“It’d be one thing if these cities liked basketball,” NBA CFO Jason Cahilly told the New York Times (the world’s largest circulating English language newspaper.) “But they’re just more interested in, you know, mowing their lawns and screaming at god and stuff like that.”
The league, which had seen over 70 years of increased growth thanks in great part of the successes of franchises in Boston, Los Angeles, and Chicago — has had to file for bankruptcy because podunk towns now dominate the sport.
“The money just isn’t there,” Cahilly said. “Teams have tried to drum up interest in these town by holding book burnings outside arenas, and “bring your prayer snake to the game and get in free” promotions — but nothing can get these fat pieces of shit out of their Kraftmatic Adjustable Beds.”
The larger market teams, known for making basketball a lucrative, entertaining sporting spectacle night after night, had long been a gathering place for courtside celebrities, foreign dignitaries, and major musical acts. Pictured below, the Pacer’s version of Spike Lee, Daniel, is known throughout the brainwashed, jesus-obsessed state as having been trapped in a toaster-oven for six days. “Let’s go Patches!” Daniel shouts, unaware of his favorite team’s name because he doesn’t care/cannot read.
In a surprising turn of events a few years back, LeBron James decided to take his talents to South Beach. In doing so, the sport’s best player shunned larger markets, basically admitting he’d rather play somewhere where his mistakes could be hidden in backwater news “papers” (as they are called because stories are often spray painted on old cars instead of printed.) “Sometimes I notice they shut the scoreboard off early,” LeBron told Dick Buttkiss Sports. “I once scored 13 points for the other team, and the next day the Miami Herald just posted a boxscore from a different game under the headline “Cocaine Claims Another 68 Year-Old Victim.”
This postseason has seen a surge in small market success, based mostly on the fact that these poor guys have nothing to do in these piece of shit cities, so they just practice all the God damn time. “I’ve never left FedEx Forum,” Grizzlies G Tony Allen said. “I’ve heard there’s a Holiday Inn with a piano lounge 27 miles from here, but I’m scared I’ll get lost and raped by some woods-folk.”
The former NBDL Sioux Falls Skyforce are the current front runner in the west, expected to lose to the Heat in the finals. “I don’t consider myself a professional basketball player because me, nor any of my teammates, have ever, EVER, been paid,” some guy on that team said. “All I do is work out and eat the Bison that roam the field we play in,” he added.
“You heard me, we play in a fucking field with one basketball hoop.”
Fans of the league have been informed that they can watch perfectly exciting college basketball on CBS next fall, despite not knowing any of the youth basketball participants, low scoring games, and incessant picking.