After failing to receive public financing to remodel Sun Life Stadium, the Miami Dolphins have issued a statement to the NFL offering to host the 2016 Super Bowl in the parking lot of a Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville. “Imagine watching the biggest spectacle in television while wasting away with a cold one on the beach,” the statement read.
The release, which was written on a cardboard coaster featuring a parrot toasting a shot of rum, is considered to be a desperate plea by the franchise to drum up much needed revenue. “Hosting the event is extremely lucrative, seeing as we’ve hosted the Super Bowl 8 times already,” Dolphins President Bryan Wiedmeier told reporters. “And every time we do, we end up blowing all the cash on strippers and coconut shrimp.”
“This way, we can get a killer discount on the shrimp cause of all the business we’ll be bringing there,” he added.
Critics have already voiced concerns, mainly about the logistics of such an unconventional venue. “Football,” NFL Commissoner Roger Goddell said before pausing for 35 seconds. “Is traditionally played on a field.” And while the press release addresses such issues, it is hard to decipher the specificity of the plans, as they are crudely drawn onto a very ketchupy paper circle.
From what we can gather, the game will be played in a small parking lot located on the non-beach side of the establishment. It appears as if one endzone will be a handicapped parking space, while the other will be a woman with enormous breasts. “And obviously, we’d play all the hits,” Wiedmeier told Dick Buttkiss Sports, referring to the work of recording artist Jimmy Buffett. “Cheeseburgers In The Paradise, Why Don’t We Get Drunk And Screw, and of course, Moonshadow,” he added.
Moonshadow is actually a Cat Stevens song and very unlike anything Jimmy Buffett has ever done.
Though the event typically relies on exorbitant ticket sales, in the proposed format, people would “just drive they’re vans right up on the beach and just watch and party,” he added. “And hey, don’t be surprised if somebody puts down the back seat and gets frisky.”
As you would expect, Buffett was unavailable for comment, as he was probably chillaxing somewhere where the drinks are cold and the sun is hot and the women are hotter.