Cleveland, OH – In a stunning turn of events, local hero Charles Ramsey has uncovered three players from the 2009-2010 season living in the basement of Quicken Loans Arena. “When he told me Zydrunas Ilgauskas, it didn’t register,” he told reporters outside his home. “Until I got to calling 911, and then I’m like, I’m calling 911 for Zydrunas Ilgauskas? The 7’2″ Center from Lithuania? I thought this guy was out of basketball!”
After discovering three missing women in the home of a depraved neighbor earlier this week, Ramsey stumbled on three forgotten Cavaliers players from the 09-10 season living in an electrical room below Quicken Loans Areana in downtown Cleveland. The players, identified as Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Jamario Moon, and Daniel Gibson, were found living in squalor, and reportedly forced to perform left-handed layup drills by a former Cavs coach.
Ramsey is being hailed as a hero yet again, after rescuing the men who were most certainly held against their will.
“We actually didn’t want to be discovered,” the three said in unison to CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “It was our way of staying connected to the NBA,” 6’8″ swingman Jamario Moon added. “Sure, Coach Silas would come by every so often and make us run sprints, but that’s the kind of sacrifice you need if you wanna make it in this league.”
“Plus no one wants us to play for them and we have absolutely zero relevant job skills, so, this is kind of a nessecary evil,” Daniel “Boobie” Gibson said.
Preliminary reports indicate that the three players had been living there for the last 2 1/2 years as part of a sick fantasy of team owner Dan Gilbert’s deranged mind. “You got some big testicles to pull this off, bro,” the hero Ramsey told reporters, referencing the gaul of the alleged mastermind.
When asked to comment on the situation, the billionaire founder of Quicken Loans told Dick Buttkiss Sports, “I was just helping the guys out. We knew they were down there — what were we supposed to do, it was really cold outside.” He added, “Once a security guard caught Daniel and “Big Z” running wind sprints at 4am, and talking to an imaginary coach…we knew we couldn’t kick them out.”
“This was all they had anymore.”
Ramsey, who’s candid take on human slavery and in-home captivity have grabbed the national spotlight, didn’t parse words when describing the socio-cultural factors at play in the heroic discovery. “Bro, I knew something was wrong when a 7’2″ Lithuanian ran into a black man’s arms. Something is wrong here. Dead giveaway,” he said in flip flops and sweat pants. “You have to have cojones, bro … That’s all what it’s about. It’s about cojones on this planet,” he continued in one of his classic ball-centric analyses.
The players are currently being rehabilitated for release into the NBDL next season.