Texas, 2560 A.D. – Future archeologists have uncovered the previously unknown rich winning tradition of an ancient basketball civilization called “San Antonio.” “We had no idea they won this many times,” expedition leader Zander Argerroth told Dick Buttkiss Sports. It would appear that no one recorded the bounty of NBA Championships achieved by this amazing franchise.
“They won like, a bunch of fucking times,” he added.
Just behind the Chicago Bulls in the all-time franchise rankings, these “San Antonio Spurs” purportedly won three titles. “Every day we continue to excavate and uncover more and more Larry O’Brien Trophies,” site Anthroplogist Nermin Zoloft said. “God knows how many more times this team won the NBA Championship and no one fucking cared.” Theories range from the league’s Michael Jordan hangover, to a series of meteorites that struck the Earth during the exact moments they won the NBA Finals.
“We can’t be sure what a Spur is exactly,” Dr. Jimes Kulgartern wrote in Scientific American. “But given what we already know about the area that was once called “Texas”, we believe it to be something similar to a king-sized toilet.”
By the looks of it, these “Spurs”, lead by a tall, fundamentally sound tree-man, routinely made the playoffs and advanced to the final round. “Says here they beat the Caveliers,” Basketball Historian Gierge Xzeen told Sports Illustrated. “I’m sorry when did this happen?” he continued.
“It’s as if no one wrote this stuff down. Not in a newspaper, not on the internet, not in a jounral. Nowhere.”
If the findings turn out to be true, it would stand to reason that the “Spurs” are one of the best franchises in the history of American Sports.
Artifacts recovered from the sites formerly known as the Alamo Dome and At&t Center, respectively, tell the story of a perfectly managed franchise, rooted in the “core principles of the game.” “Picking, rolling, perimeter defense, driving and kicking — just some wild stuff,” Xzeen said. “Basketball hasn’t seen a non-isolation play in over a century.” The process is expected to yield priceless relics from a more-or-less lost era of the NBA, between 2001 and 2010.
Findings will be displayed at the J.R. Smith Memorial Hall of Fame in Paterson, N.J.