“Dear god, what have I done? I was just having some fun, how did it get to this point?” a confused, soot covered J.R. Smith said into the void that used to be civilization.
“Hello?!” he shouted into the air. “Please, someone! This can’t be happening!”
Smith, whose recent erratic behavior cost the Knicks game four and destroyed the world as we know it, now stands at the edge of the Earth, alone. “Why God?! Why?!” he cries into nothingness as if he can just undo the damage. “Everything just got out of hand!”
The Sixth-Man-Of-The-Year had been anointed a changed man by the media, who saw his unselfish play and exceptional production off the bench as a sign he was no longer the destructive force he once was. Then, after an wholly unwarranted Flagrant 2 and subsequent ejection in Game 3 in Boston, J.R. forced his teammates to close out the series on the road without him, setting off a chain of events resulting in the destruction of everything, ever.
“He’s our number two scorer,” Coach Mike Woodson said before being incinerated by a massive fireball that scorched the Earth from pole to pole. “He can help you or he can kill you,” the coach said, unaware that that exact scenario would happen to all of us. Literally.
“Aren’t we going to play the rest of the Playoffs?” the 6’6″ swingman tentatively said into the rubble that is the Lincoln Memorial. “Tyson? Ray? Melo? Where are they?” he asked the crumbled remains of Abraham Lincoln’s head, which now lay among a pile of burnt cars. The former Nugget, who entered the pros 10 years ago directly from High School, then dropped to his knees, raising his fists to the heavens.
“How did I get to D.C.? What the fuck did I do last night? Is everyone dead? Where are the bodies?”
Burnt, Earl. Burnt to nothingness. In fact, you’re probably breathing it in.
The elbow, which forced the Knicks to play their first closeout game in 13 years without him, was the beginning of a series of cataclysmic events that ultimately ruined the human race — and animals. Even microbial life. “Are we alone in the universe?” human scientists once pondered, hoping that life wasn’t some silly coincidence. Hopes that were sadly crushed, after ass-enthusiast and functioning alcoholic J.R. Smith caused the instantaneous eradication of the spark that allows life to occur on Earth.
Oh, and we were alone. So, thanks.
“I killed God, didn’t I?!” he nervously asked himself. “Calm down, Earl, that’s not possible because God isn’t real,” he continued in an effort to reassure himself. An effort that, ironically, killed God, in that J.R. Smith was the last person on Earth, and his ceasing to believe in His existence actually did kill him.
“And now, I sleep,” God said to himself after J.R. uttered those words while searching for shoes through the wreckage of a Belenciaga on 5th avenue.It’s now up to him to begin rebuilding. A tall task, though Knicks fans can tell you, if there’s anyone who could do it, it’s J.R.