Clay Buchholz, who pitched a no hitter in 2011, has been accused of doctoring baseballs by his ex-wife, Denise Buchholz. “Clay’s been getting away with it for years, and it’s time I said something,” the 32 year old copy editor told Sports Illustrated. “He was really good at hiding it — he was good at hiding a lot of things.”
The starting pitcher, who recently became the first to six wins this season, has been questioned by some for applying an unidentified substance before his delivery. “I just saw video of Buchholz loading the ball with some Eddie Harris worthy slick’em painted up his left forearm,” former major leaguer and current Sportsnet analyst Dirk Hayhurst tweeted. Prompting further investigation, MLB officals have confirmed suspicions that, over the years, Clay Buchholz has deliberately modified baseballs to gain an unfair advantage.
“We’ve reviewed all of his outings for the last 4 years, and seen an unfortunate amount of violations,” MLB Commissioner Bud Selig told reporters. “Modifications as insignificant as a slight scuff mark can dramatically alter the flight of a baseball,” he said. “On a number of occasions, Buchholz has been building his own Franken-balls, comprised of small chainsaws, medieval weaponry, and, at times, wearing tiny hats.”
Photographic evidence of the infractions released by the league office show Buchholz adhering cartoonishly small weapons/power tools, to baseballs in his glove. “At times I wanted to come out and tell the truth,” his ex-wife told Dick Buttkiss Sports. “I’d see him come home late at night with these tiny bags, and run down to his basement workshop — which he always kept locked,” she said. “But I didn’t because I loved him, and, to a greater extent, because I figured everyone knew already, and just thought it was cute.”
It got so bad, at times he would even bring his own, smaller baseballs, and just use them. “Though adorable, like mini cupcakes or babies, they’re incredibly difficult to hit,” former big leaguer Nomar Garciaparra tweeted. On three specific occasions, the 28 year old Buchholz simply didn’t even throw anything at all. “I just figured he was throwing it really really really fast,” former Yankee, Nick Swisher said. “Now that I think about it, it was strange that the catcher wasn’t throwing anything back to him.”
Buchholz has denied everything, deferring to his manager, John Farrell, who claims it’s all a big misunderstanding. “Listen, over the course of the game, the ball gets stuff on it,” he said. “Resin, dirt, pine tar, grass,” he added. “…lobster claws, small functioning lightsabers, lobster claws wielding small functioning lightsabers, those funny rastafarian hats with the dreadlocks, sun glasses — ya know, it’s not something you can really attribute to Clay.”