St. Petersburg, FL — The Yankee captain has experienced yet another setback in his recovery from a left ankle fracture, suffered last October. After team doctors deemed Jeter’s ankle healthy enough to play on, he resumed baseball activities during Spring Training, during which he felt slight discomfort in the same spot. A CAT Scan revealed a small fracture, previously unseen by X-Rays, that has kept the first ballot hall of famer out of the Yankee lineup this season.
This Wednesday, Derek Jeter re-injured the ankle yet again painting the ceiling of his foyer at his waterfront mansion.
“I was just about done with the Story of Noah, when I came down the ladder and kinda jumped from the the third rung,” Jeter told WFAN. “I usually just hop down and it’s all good, but this didn’t feel right.”
The painting, which is almost an exact replica of Michaelangelo’s 16th century Sistine Chapel masterpiece, has been a pet project for the shortstop all off season. “Cogito Ergo Sum,” he told Dick Buttkiss Sports, which is Latin for something. “Ironically, this room used to be an indoor rehabilitation swimming pool.”
With only slight modifications from the original Vatican template, Jeter’s painting combines classical biblical symbolism with iconic post season moments from the 1997-99 seasons. For example, the depiction of “Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden” has been replaced with Roger Clemons throwing a shattered baseball bat at a nude Mike Piazza. The “Creation” portion, which famously depicts God in the first chapter of Genesis, has been modified to show Buck Showalter reaching out and touching the finger of several angelic Derek Jeters cherubs.
“I expect to be back in the lineup this season, no doubt,” he said. “Just gotta touch up some clouds and stuff.”
Initiated by “Warrior Pope” Julis in 1506, the mural was meant to function as symbol of papal power. Aptly dubbed “St. Jetersburg” by angry neighbors, Jeter’s 31,000 sq ft mansion was finished in 2011, becoming the largest home in the greater Tampa metropolitan area. “This was the final piece,” Derek told reporters from a hospital bed. “And I fucked it up.”
He then began crying, shaking his fists toward the heavens. “Domino Maximo Jure!” the aging star shouted.