New Cleveland Indians Manager Terry Francona became disoriented after getting lost on his way to the dog park yesterday, and ate his dog in a fit of dispair. Initial reports indicate that the confused two-time World Series Champ preemptively entered “survival mode” after a series of wrong turns that left him in a completely different end of town. “I just panicked after passing the same damn Starbucks for the third fuckin’ time,” Francona told his lawyer, who relayed the message to ESPN. “But you gotta admit, this city is pretty damn confusing,” he added. “Am I right or am I right? Huh?”
Francona, who is being held at a downtown lockup, recently was in the news for getting lost on the two block Vespa ride from his apartment to Progressive Field. Charged with several counts of animal abuse, prosecutors are also pursuing a “creating a public distrubance” charge, citing how the lifelong Major Leaguer consumed an entire Yorkshire Terrier on a busy city sidewalk.
Known for their unaffectionate dispositions and silky coats, Yorkshire Terriers are a favorite among the elderly and cat lovers.
“It was almost as if he unhinged his jaw to get it down,” a witness told Dick Buttkiss Sports. “He got halfway through gnawing at the damn thing before he looked around, noticed the crowd of onlookers, and then casually stuffed the rest of the dog into his mouth, leash and all.”
The dog park in question is approximately 250 yards from Francona’s apartment. “It’s right there, can’t miss it,” a man who gave him directions recounted. “Then he just walked in the complete opposite direction.”
The Indians, who’ve slumped since a going 7-2 to start the season, play the Colorado Rockies tonight. “I didn’t even know he had a dog,” OF/DH Nicki Swisher said at a press conference. “In fact, I know he didn’t have a dog. I’ve been to his house several times. It’s a small apartment. I would have seen it,” he continued.
Bench coach Sandy Alomar Jr. with step in as manager for the indefinite future.