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Kira Sedgwick Loses Closer Job To Fernando Rodney

Screen Shot 2013-04-30 at 1.28.21 PM

After three blown saves and an ERA of over 15, long time Closer and wife of Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgewick, has lost her ninth inning role to journeyman reliever Fernando Rodney. Acquired in 2005, Sedgwick owned the role for 8 years, due in great part to her inexplicably high Nielsen Ratings. “7 million viewers per night, most in cable history,” Manager Joe Madden told reporters. “And not a single person anyone knows has ever seen the damn show.”

Joe-Maddon-Howard-Smith-USA-TODAY-SportsRodney, who had previously been the setup man in Detroit for seven seasons, came to Tampa Bay after a brief stint with the Angels, recorded a league leading 48 saves with the Rays last season after Sedgwick underwent cosmetic Tommy Johns surgery. “The role was hers to lose going into the season,” ESPN’s Peter Gammons said on Baseball Tonight. “It didn’t matter what Rodney did last year, you can’t ignore ratings like that.”

“I think it’s horseshit but I’ll continue to work to regain my rightful spot as ‘The Closer,” an angry Sedwick remarked in front of her locker yesterday. “I’m Krya Sedwick,” she could be heard mumbling to herself during questioning by reporters. “I’m TNT’s “The Closer.” When asked about her replacement, Sedgwick had this to day:

“Sure, 1.2 strikeouts per inning pitched is impressive. Sure, an ERA of .6 is best in the league. But the equivalent of the state of New Jersey tuned in to see me every Thursday at 8PM, 7 central. You think there’s gonna be that many people trying to watch Fernando whatever-the-fuck do his stupid little arrow celebration? What the hell is that anyway? I did my job and now I’m getting punished for getting injured.”

“It’s April,” she added.

At 47, Kyra Sedwick’s career is thought to be closed. It’ll take a lot more than anger to save this one.

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About Jake O'Donnell

Creator of the sports comedy Dick Buttkiss blog https://jakeodonnel.wordpress.com/

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