You’ll turn more than a few heads with new XtremeMotion Athletic Cup by BIKE. Developed using top secret government technology at Area 51, this cutting edge modified cod piece is used by the U.S Special Forces, Astronaut Corps, and sexually deviant super criminals around the planet.
“Protection-wise, it has no equal,” a statement released by NORAD said. Capable of handling up to 15 giga-tons of impact, temperatures as high as 2,000 degrees kelvin, and electromagnetic radiation — this acid/flame retardant testicular enhancement will have you asking, “Wait, why don’t they just make a whole suit out of this?”
Well we’ll tell you why. “It’s because we have an agreement with the Klörthyans that this technology can only be used to protect an area no bigger than a human nutsack,” a shadowy government figure told Dick Buttkiss Sports. “Wait, did I say Klörthyans? Forget that,” he added right before he zapped my editors memory and blew up our midtown offices.
We aren’t saying that the XtremeMotion Athletic Cup by BIKE is for everyone. Or even sports. The frequent glowing and high pitched frequency emitted from the Impact Alarm System™ render it impractical for traditional human use. “It’s mostly meant to protect the outside world from the scourage of your gonads,” President of product development Uuumdoul Vlketh of Sector 72 told us. “Counterintuitive, sure. But it’s an excellent method of farming human genetic material for trans-dimensional molecular conquest,” he said in a surprisingly effeminate voice.
“It’s an amazing feat of engineering,” our intern Cody said from the bathroom. “I can’t take it off. Literally.”
Listed at a steep $25, the price will inevitably come down once the Klörthyans open the portal under the Earth’s mantle. But hey, you get what you pay for, and this thing is nuts.