Gatorade, known throughout the world for their thirst quenching Sports Gum, has unveiled ten new, innovative flavors in an effort drum up sluggish sales. The Gum’s poor performance in the 2nd quarter of fiscal 2013 has been attributed to the overall decline in sports-activity specific gums, as the market has shifted to more sex-centric gums, like the new “Orbits Kissables” and “Dentyne: CUM”.
The game is changing, and we have to change with it,” VP of Marketing Rohn Thompson told Dick Buttkiss Sports. “Plus, we’ve developed a reputation of having the world’s shortest lasting flavor. I mean, techincally, ya. But let me ask you this: who wants to spend all day mining flavor out of a gum mine?” he added.
38 people bought Quench Gum last year.“We feel like there are more than 38 people out there who still believe you can actually quench your thrist by drinking your own spit,” CFO Tim Reynolds said. “We need at least a trillion customers, maybe even a billion — so that’s why we’ve decided to add some new options to our already thirst quenching lineup,” he continued, implying that a trillion actually isn’t as large as a billion.
Utilizing the power of intense flavor, Quench Gum activates salivary glands in the mouth and tongue, resulting in a thirst quenching rush of tangy spittle. Here are the new flavors you can expect to see in Sports Authority checkout aisles all over the country.
10) Fierce Potato
9) Glacial Erosion
8) Rainn Wilson
7) Alpine Briefs
5) Hunan Milk
4) Decoy (not gum but a small stone)
3) Kosher Crush
2) Sports Corn
1) Overtly-Gay-Son Citrus