Leading in almost every statistical category a month into the season, the guy who is running away with your fantasy league just wishes the whole league could go out for wings sometime, or just shoot the shit or something. The guy, who’s team “PWNED” has rendered the league completely unenjoyable already, relentlessly reaches out to the league’s 9 other members, offering suggestions about where to meet up. “Hey guys, Mike here, thinkin bout a lil Bennigan’s rendevous sometime this week if you’re all down,” one group text said. “*Rendezvous (sorry, spelled it wrong before…anyways, thursday is buy-one-get-one so who’s in?)” he added, like, 3 hours later on the same thread.
Sometimes he peppers in waiver wire advice.
After somehow managing to draft Prince Fielder, Robinson Cano, and Justin Upton, the guy winning your fantasy league essentially has all the best players at every position. “What the fuck were we all doing during the fucking draft?!” Scrotal Recall owner Tim Franini said on the league message board. The guy, who no one really knows how he got involved in the first place, seems to be hoarding pretty damn good players on his bench. Other times, he appears to taunt the other teams by adding and dropping his best player in the fraction of a second. “Thank you Albert Pujljos for being an injured old boner,” Dan Brady posted, owner of Dan’s Team. “I’d try and trade him for something, anyone really, but I’m afraid this PWNED character might notice the activity on the clubhouse board and take it as a sign I want to hang out with him,” Dan nervously whispered in private.
It is widely accepted around the league that any such excursion involving the 10 members will be 3 to 4 times less fun than drinking alone and talking about baseball with themselves. Owners have voiced their concerns that an outting like this would be weird, because, like, some of them don’t even know each other. Also, two members live in Del Rey, which is like 45 minutes away. They all agree that explaining this to the guy running away with the fantasy league would be more trouble than it’s worth. “Its not like I don’t like drinking and talking about baseball,” said manager Kevin “Beef” O’Hanlon, whose squad “Imagine Pete Rose’s Asshole” currently sits in a distant second place. “It’s just that I can’t stand the idea of having to talk about THAT league with the fucking guy who’s running away with it.”
“Do any of us even know him? I think he’s someone’s weird work friend,” someone accidentally texted on a group text he had sent out that morning. At, like, 7 AM.
However, because the prospects for this season look dire for the rest of the ESPN rotisserie group “All Guy Fieri’s Children”, there is literally zero pressure to ever meet up with this relatively anonymous wet fart of a man. “So, lemme get this straight, we just all meet up like some herpes support group and talk about our shared pain?” asked Devon Bates-Thomas, the groups only black member and owner of The Houston Afros. “Hi, it’s me again, sorry it’s so late, but I’ve got to put a deposit on this booze cruise I’m getting for us, should be fun,” the guy facebook messaged to the other 9 shit farmers. “It’s $115 a head, I got us a discount, so if you could just send it on over, that’d be great,” he added. “I’ll link my paypal on the bottom of the email. So excited. LET’S GO PWNED!”
No one else has modified their roster so far this season.