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Toronto Raptors Attempting To Coax Phil Jackson Out Of Retirement With Metric Ton Of Medical Grade Marijuana


As per an ESPN report, the Toronto Raptors are attempting to coax Phil Jackson out of retirement by leaving a meteric ton of medical grade marijuana at the entrance to their stadium. “We do it for all our coaches, though certainly not to this extent,” team President Bryan Colangelo told High Times Magazine.

Phil Jackson, who has won 11 NBA Championships as both player and coach, retired in 2012 after a tumultuous season with the aging Los Angeles Lakers. “We just hope he REALLY likes smoking pot,” Colangelo said. “Imagine if he does — this would be irresistible.”

League sources indicate Jackson is "a weird bird"

League sources indicate Jackson is “a weird bird”

Comprised of thick, almost wet buds, the purplish-blue sativa was grown hydroponically, and widely considered to be the most killer dope in the city. Just this Thursday, seven Toyota Camrys worth of the stuff, totalling near a metric ton, were delivered to the main entrance of the Air Canada Centre, where both the Raptors and Maple Leafs play.

“We were sitting around, thinking ‘gosh, wouldn’t it be great if we could get Phil fucking Jackson to coach up here’,” mid season acquisition Rudy Gay said. “And then Bryan was like, ding ding ding, I got it — we’ll smoke him out. Literally.”

Jackson is admittedly "a weird bird"

Raptors are the smartest dinos

The incredibly odorous canabanoid will be left there just in case Jackson decides to come by and see what’s up. “I don’t care if he samples some,” current head coach Dwayne Casey told Dick Buttkiss. He added, “But I’m still technically the coach and this is incredibly illegal.”

Though no one knows why anyone would ever chose to move to Toronto to coach the cellar-dwellar Raptors, Toronto Mayor and standard issue Canadian, Rob Ford, “has to admit, the crystals on those nugs are retardeded.” He also claims he “doesn’t give a fuck” as long as “they make the fucking playoffs for a change.”

Jackson was unavailable for comment.


About Jake O'Donnell

Creator of the sports comedy Dick Buttkiss blog https://jakeodonnel.wordpress.com/


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