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Jets Fans Take Break From Masturbating In Mom’s Basement To Boo Draft Picks, Honor Troops

New York Jets fans took a 49 minute break from furiously masturbating in their mom’s basement to watch the 2013 NFL Draft/honor the troops. “What they do for our nation, and the world, is immeasurable,” one especially pale fan said while attending the event at Radio City Musical Hall in Manhattan. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to watch my team select a replacement for Darrell Revis,” he added. “As soon as thats over I’m making a b-line back to Jersey to beat it.”

“Every year it’s the same thing,” another fan commented. “We mismanage talent, over pay players, draft overrated guys, then go home and lock the door at the top of the basement stairs and take our sweatpants off on the way down.” He continued, “I’m just thankful we have such brave men and women willing to sacrifice for our freedoms.”

The Jets selected Alabama CB Dee Milliner with the 9th pick in the draft. “Sounds like a fucking soccer player!,” someone shouted from the crowd of the famed venue. “What, was David Beckham not available? Why don’t you just wheel out the members of our armed services so we can pay homage and then quickly run to the PATH train and work it up in the bathroom,” a guy in the front row yelled up at NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

With the 13th pick, new general manager John Idzik selected Sheldon Richardson from the University of Missouri. Richardson plays Defensive Tackle. “Unbelievable,” coach Rex Ryan said as the pick was announced, while nervously jingling his car keys. “I mean, thank you to our heros but I can’t stand it any longer I’m just gonna do it right here,” a man in a yellowish Vinny Testeverde jersey declared angrily.

Tonight, the Jets are expected to trade up to draft another bad quarterback early in the second round.

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About Jake O'Donnell

Creator of the sports comedy Dick Buttkiss blog https://jakeodonnel.wordpress.com/

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