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Andrew Bynum Kills Himself to Avoid Ever Having to Play Basketball Again

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In a tragic but still pretty frustrating turn of events, former Philadelphia 76ers Center Andrew Bynum has taken his own life while bowling. He was 24.

In a note that he weirdly mailed to only the 76ers front office and not to like, his mom or anything, he explained that he had run out of pretend ways to injure himself to dodge playing basketball. He apparently decided he would rather die than ever do his job again. Bynum, a man who did not attend college, wrote that the pressures of playing of a child’s game for $16.5 million a year were somehow too much for his enormous body to handle.

One excerpt from his note, which was scribbled on a bowling alley bar coaster, read: “I have been given a body that is practically a machine designed to play basketball. But if it comes down to the choice between using it to play basketball or just dying, I’m choosing option B. Fuck you guys. Seriously, fuck you guys so much.”

The Sixers front office has responded by announcing that they thought Bynum died months ago. In an official statement, the organization said “Really? Do we send flowers, or is it like a charity donation thing? How does this work?”

Bynum leaves behind no wife or children because he thought that, too, seemed like “kind of a lot of work.”

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